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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2013 0:57:29 GMT
she doesn't answer.
he waits, and she still doesn't answer. right when trevor thinks "this is where heidi would answer" she still doesn't answer. he isn't sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. he isn't sure if he's ready to hear her let him down, but at the same time after so many years of waiting for an answer, waiting off to the side while his friends would talk about her, while she didn't seem to be interested in dating at all, he waited. of course, he did his own dating, it was a rare occurrence, but he did it. once or twice.
he's waited years for this moment, and she's still hesitating.
and her gaze is gone, she's trying to get away, and he isn't willing to let go. he's careful to not grip tighter, for fear of hurting her, and he's watching her with more concern.
"heidi." he's swallowing back a lump, he can feel the burning behind his eyes and he swore he almost forgot what it felt like to cry. he doesn't want to feel it now, and so he swallows the lump, and instead focuses on heidi. "you're not running from this. this isn't something you can just brush away, pretend that it's nothing."
and he knows she will, because this is heidi. he knows heidi. hell, he's all but studied her, he has her down to a science and she knows it. they both know it, it's how they've become such close friends. it's always been her, her, her, and it's always ever been her. even when they were kids, she'd run over to his house when her parents were fighting, even back then when he had the faintest crush on her.
it was still her when his mother's dying breath was for him to protect her, to be there for her when they both knew that no one else would. not her parents, not his parents, and certainly not the false sense of friendship that trevor knows he's surrounded himself with just to make his father stop nagging at him to be more social. it's always been heidi, his best friend heidi, his childhood crush heidi, dare he say his almost-sister heidi.
"i'm not letting you run back out there just to find some angry person and let you jump headfirst into a fight. i'm not letting you put yourself at risk again, not because of me. not while it's my fault. not while i'm not right there to make sure something doesn't get out of hand." because he knows some day, it will. some day heidi will do something drastic, something that only her stubborn self would get herself into, and he knows that eventually it'll be her downfall. it'll be his, too, but not while he has someone to look out for.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2013 1:18:41 GMT
he doesn't let her go.
he doesn't let her go.
she sits herself back onto the couch hesitantly. if he's not going to let her go, she's not going to expend energy needlessly standing.
she sits and she listens, and she, she tries so hard to not show any sort of emotion. it's hard though.
when you're like heidi, and you make a habit of bottling up all your emotions. not letting anyone in ever, even when you're on the brink of a break down, it gets harder and harder to close yourself off and keep your emotions to yourself.
she tries so hard to not take everything in so much, to not read too far into things and just take everything at a very shallow level, as if none of the word's he's saying mean anything to her.
but they do. they always have.
she kids herself, day after day and has been since childhood.
believing that her problems were her own and no one else's. she used to run to the ottinger household, day after day to be welcomed in with open arms, yet she never once spoke anything more than the absolute minimum about what went on in her house. they were her problems, and have been her problems only since she was young.
getting into fights, starting fights, that's how she solves her problems and trevor is denying her of that. she knows it's a dumb way to act, recklessly and impulsively, but she doesn't know any other way. she's been this way as far as she can remember, expressing her emotions in a way other than fighting is hard for her.
it's either fight, or cry.
and right now, she's trying not to do either, but it's not working. on the brink of tears, attempting to blink them away, she hates it when she's like this.
keeping tears back is something she's never been good at. it's so much harder than trying not to injure someone so much they end up in a hospital.
"... i don't..." she starts.
her voice cracks, and breaths out a heavy breath. her breathing is shaky, and she doesn't know how much longer she can keep it together. she continues to blink and blink and blink and blink, but one small tear slips out and everything comes rushing out in a stream of quiet sobs and a waterfall of salty tears.
god, she's such a mess.
god, she's such a weakling.
god, she disgusts herself so much it makes her sick.
"... i can't... trev, i can't..." she says between sobs. "i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry."
she just repeats those words, over, and over, and over again because she has nothing else to say. she doesn't know what else to say and she hates herself for it.
she hates herself for a lot really.
@trevor, hahahhahahhah i fucking hate you nim.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2013 1:52:04 GMT
he had laid his feelings out in front of her like a mat, and he wasn't sure what she was going to do with them. out of the many years of trevor knowing heidi, he had never - not once - known what it was like to see her express much emotion. she never was one for that, and he understood that. he accepted that.
but now, now is different. now is a time where her hiding her emotions from him isn't acceptable, where he wants to - needs to - know what's on her mind. he needs to know what she's feeling, what she's thinking, what she's going to say because otherwise he isn't sure if he'd be able to look back on this and not feel weird about it. he isn't sure if they'd be able to smile at each other, if he'd be able to patch her up like an old friend would after this.
so he took a leap of faith, and he's still unsure of whether he landed in the hay, or if he missed entirely.
but she's yet to rip her arm from him, yet to run away and be gone out of his apartment, and that's something. it's more of a sign than what he was hoping for, and honesty it's enough for trevor to hope. when she starts to say something, her voice cracks, and suddenly she's crying. heidi is crying and instead of freezing like trevor used to when she first cried around him, instead of awkwardly fumbling over something to say to release her pain, he reaches out to her like he's always had. he reaches out to wrap his arms around her waist, and pull her to his chest like he's always done.
even though she's always thought of herself as weak - never voicing it, trevor had no clue of such thoughts - he's always thought of her as strong. she's always been strong, always been so strong in ways that trevor can't even fathom possible, and he's always admired it. idolized it, even.
"it's okay, heidi." he murmurs, just barely whispering, "i'm not mad, or disappointed, or anything. it's okay, you're okay." he's burying his face in her hair, hoping that she doesn't ( or didn't haha ) recoil from him. "you have nothing to be sorry for, okay?"
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2013 5:35:10 GMT
"is it...?" she asks hesitantly. "is... is it really?"
heidi wraps her arms around trevor, hesitantly if anything. she buries her face in his neck just as hesitantly. she doesn't know what to say or how to act. she's lost in her own head and she doesn't know the way out. it's killing her on the inside.
"i have everything... to be... sorry for." she says between hiccups.
@trevor, idk how do u even post.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2013 1:33:11 GMT
"yes, yes it is heidi." he says, not entirely sure if she's even listening to him anymore. it doesn't seem like she is, not with the way she's denying everything he's been saying.
holding her close to his chest, he's suddenly much more careful with heidi now than he ever had been. "no, you don't. everything is fine."
@nan06
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2013 2:09:09 GMT
heidi just hugs trevor closer to herself. he's warm, he's so much warmer than she is and she feels comfortable in his warmth. she's always felt comfortable around him in general though. him simply being there makes her calmer than she'd be without him. she feels a million times calmer hugging him, her mind is suddenly clear, clearer than it's ever been and she likes it.
"i'm... tired." she says before yawning.
@trevor, frick posting properly.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2013 17:27:05 GMT
just like that heidi is relaxed, and she's close to him and he thinks that she's starting to calm down. she needs to calm down, at least, because if she doesn't then she'll just keep worrying about the both of them, and he does that enough for her as well.
that and she's tired, she sounds it, and he just holds her a little closer for a moment before reluctantly letting go. "you should go get some rest, then."
@nan06 c:
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2013 17:48:25 GMT
heidi glances up at trevor through her eyelashes. her head rests at the bottom of his neck. she can hear his heart beating, softly. it's quiet and it's calming to her. "come with me." she says, softly. she sounds more feminine now than she's ever sounded in her whole eighteen years.
@trevor
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2013 17:55:41 GMT
trevor sighs, nodding down at her before going to slide an arm under her knees, the other going to support her back. "i can't stay for long, though, i have to go to work." he still has a few hours, long enough to put heidi to sleep. he wonders briefly if she'd go home before he got back, like she sometimes did when he went off to work. trevor found himself hoping she wouldn't.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2013 18:41:05 GMT
"oh, okay" she says. she'll wake up when he's gone, and she'll change her clothes, fix herself up and she'll be out the door. she'll try her hardest to forget what's happen, but it'll haunt her dreams and her thoughts. it'll haunt her until she finds the courage to venture back here.
she doesn't want that to happen. she'd feel more guilty than ever. so, she resolutes to stay after she wakes up, even if it kills her and that's the last thing on her mind as she falls asleep and trevor lays her in her bed.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2013 19:20:37 GMT
GOOD JOB! Nimbus and Nancy each receive 2 nectar for completing a thread. |
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