i will possess your heart, c

Nevada was a man known for his sophistication and elegance, but also his eccentricity. He was a strange man no matter how much he wrapped himself up in suits and fine jewelry, surrounded himself in exquisite furniture and housed himself in an extravagant penthouse. What other man fell head over heels in love with a prostitute? Or become so enthralled by that prostitute he became blind to his every flaw? No man would be planning to ask that very prostitute out the way Nevada planned to either.

Angel was attractive, but certainly not in the way Nevada was convinced he was. Sitting across from him, there was nothing remotely attractive in the way he gulped down white and scarfed down food. Yet, Nevada found it charming. He loved the way Angel nibbled the bread and sloshed the contents of his cup. And the way his hair feel around his face, the way he smiled. He loved everything that made Angel, Angel. But one thing always plagued him. What were they to each other?

On some days, Nevada was convinced Angel was only using him but, one others, he swore up and down the blonde loved him though he never said it. The thing with Angel was he never said ‘I love you’ back whenever Nevada would say it. He let it slid most of the time, blinded by his own affections. But then there were days he despaired over not knowing. Nevada planned to finally solve that one little issue. It was imperative that he did. He could not take any more of his uncertainty.

The man fingered the ring in his pocket, an intricate piece of jewelry composed of several golden birds frozen in the process of weaving the ring of several strands of gold and silver—a promise ring. Nevada went over the way he wanted to ask Angel over and over again, yet could never find the right way to say it. Their dinner together had ended up in an uncomfortable silence, which he intended to finally break. “It is a lovely evening.” He began. “You look especially beautiful.”

WHO IS IN YOUR HEART NOW?

LAIKA OF GS!

Angel had an androgynous charm, sitting on the fine line between femininity and masculinity. One might say he leaned more towards one side than the other depending on the day. At the moment, he appeared a stunning lady in a silky gown and glittering jewelry. But, no matter how Angel presented himself, he was always attractive to Nevada. He was completely in love with the blonde; nothing could erase Angel from his heart. Nevada once had tried to.

He just had to work up the nerves to speak the words playing again and again in his head. Fingers closing around the velvet box, he used its solidity to ground himself against his quaking anxiety. Only two things could result from his asking; Angel could accept or reject his feelings. The delusion of their budding relationship could be proved or shattered. Nevada didn’t know how to handle it, but he decided to plunge forward. “It is my earnest opinion.”

Nevada pulled the box from his pocket, keeping his hands low and out of Angel’s view. “There is a reason I have asked you out tonight.” He began. The extortionist’s voice sounded calmer than he felt, contradicting his trembling hands. “We have spent nearly a year living together and shared many intimate moments. But I do not know what we are to each other.” His clutch on the box tightened. “I have given this much thought, but I have not come to a conclusion. Angel...I have a question I must ask.”

WHO IS IN YOUR HEART NOW?

LAIKA OF GS!

The alcohol seemed more worth Angel's attention than Nevada was. He tried not to think too much on it, yet the blonde's dejected features made it difficult. Maybe this was a mistake? Resolve wavering, Nevada fought to ask the question dangling off the tip of his tongue. But he had Angel's attention until the waiter returned with another bottle and maybe their meals.

"Angel. What are we to each other?" The question left his tongue before his anxiety could stuff the words back down his throat and choke him with them. "I cannot figure it out, but I wish to know. I wish to know more than anything in this world." Now that the words had spilled from his lips, they came with more ease. He had to stop himself from rambling.

WHO IS IN YOUR HEART NOW?

LAIKA OF GS!

His fingers tightened around the small velvet box in his grasp as if the pressure of its solidity would be enough to calm his racing heart. The blood still roared in his ears over the throbbing of his pulse. Each seconds that ticked by waiting for an answer felt like an eternity. Nevada had tried to predict the answer long before he asked Angel out. Two answers came to mind: they were together or Angel was using him. His heart wanted the former.

Nothing could prepare him from what he actually heard, even if he had considered it an option. His interpretation of Angel’s answer, anyways. The answer echoed in his ears loud enough to even silence his pounding heart, which felt as if it plunged into his stomach like a rock. “You do not return my affections?” He replied, calmer than he felt. Every delusion hope that maybe his initial assumption was wrong, that Angel really did have feelings for him, was shattered.

WHO IS IN YOUR HEART NOW?

LAIKA OF GS!

His long awaited answer hung heavy in his chest, building up pressure as if to crush out the already pounding heart inside. What did he expect, really? Nevada should have known better than to think Angel had somehow come to love him, the man who blackmailed him. What miracle would it take to make that delusion a reality? Although he should have known, the pain was still as intense as ever. That was the consequence of letting himself be so deluded by their game of house.

By some miracle, the man reigned in his emotions if only for a moment. He wouldn’t let his hurt show in front of the triumphant blonde. Angel would merely revel in his pain, as it seemed that was his only purpose for allowing Nevada to think there was anything between them. The ring box was placed on the table with a soft thump. “If that is your answer than I have wasted enough time here.” He rose from his seat, trusting Angel would be fine with his pilfered credit cards.

“I trust you will make it home just fine on your own.” Not waiting for an answer, he turned his back to Angel and strode out of the lavish restaurant. The ring box and the ring of twisting gold and silver were left behind. Whether Angel took it or someone else did, it shouldn’t have matter. On some level, however, it did. He had meant it for Angel, only if Angel returned his feelings though. But Angel didn’t. Those conflicting feelings made him halt outside the restaurant.

WHO IS IN YOUR HEART NOW?

LAIKA OF GS!

Nothing would be accomplished by continuing as planned, asking the important question over a candlelit dinner in an expensive restaurant. Angel could have dinner by himself now. He would have nothing more to do with him if he could help it…if only. The blackmailer realized the hopelessness in that thinking. There was a guilt created obligation tying him to the blonde. He couldn’t just wash his hands of his captive and try to recover from the heartbreak.

Sucking in the cool night air, Nevada paused outside and, before he could continue to the car waiting in the lot, he was caught up to by Angel. He turned around to face him, keeping a blank face. Nevada took in the ring box and remained silent for a few moments longer. Then he spoke. “It is a ring. I intended to ask you to go steady with me, a mistake on my part. I apologize. You may keep it or pawn it. It is not of my concern anymore. Now, good night.” He turned away, beginning his walk to the parking lot.

WHO IS IN YOUR HEART NOW?

LAIKA OF GS!

A pain grew in his chest, threatening to choke the air from his lungs and smother his beating heart. Was it possible for a broken heart to physically hurt? It certainly felt that way. He beginning to think the pieces of his shattered heart were stabbing him from the inside out and would sooner or later tear him apart. The pain was so intense and so unlike anything he ever felt. Nevada didn't know how to cope with it.

He could think only of getting far away from Angel, away from the source of his pain. But the last time he tried to forget Angel ended in failure. Nevada had resigned himself to taking care of Angel out of guilt for blackmailing him. The cycle only began again as a result. Somehow, it was worse this time. Could he take any more rejection? When would it sink on? Angel would never love him.

Even if he acted like he liked him, Angel never said those three special words back. Those coveted words never left his lips. Would they ever? He was beginning to believe they wouldn't. Of course, he knew that already. Nevada just kept conveniently forgetting that in favor of the delusion of love. Each time he tried to satisfy his worried mind, to make the delusion true by worming that "I love you" from Angel, it was shattered.

Twice now. Two times. Did he need a third to finally get it through to his head? He hoped not. A third rejection would be too much. Nevada swallowed his pain. He steeled himself until he was alone yet Angel was sure to keep that from happening sooner. "Why does it matter?" He asked, waiting as he was asked. "It would not change your answer. You will not love me. No matter why or how much I love you, it will not change anything."

WHO IS IN YOUR HEART NOW?

LAIKA OF GS!